On Tuesday, Virginia Maiden of Kennewick, Washington woke up and found someone had stolen her 1995 Toyota 4Runner.  She called the cops to report it missing, then went to her job at McDonald's.

A few hours later, there was an INCREDIBLE coincidence.  As Virginia was manning the drive thru, she saw HER OWN CAR pull up.

The thief was 22-year-old Katherine York.  She'd stolen the car . . . then went to JC Penney and Sears to steal some clothes . . . and then to McDonald's. 

Virginia immediately called the cops again.

Katherine was arrested for possession of a stolen vehicle.  The cops found a bunch of the stolen clothes in the backseat, but shoplifting charges are still pending. 

(Huffington Post / CBS 18 - Pasco, Washington)

Little long there but, hey, it’s a good impression and he completely nailed the joke-telling style. And Louis CK telling a “Why does the chicken cross the road” joke would still be better than 90% of other comedians’ best efforts. Nothing smashes home a setup quite like a vivid description of chickens banging, regardless of context.

An email from a Delta Gamma sorority girl at the University of Maryland went around online yesterday, where she was BERATING her fellow sorority sisters for not being fun at Greek events.

The email is VERY vulgar, but also hilarious . . . and surprisingly well-written.  You won't be able to read it without laughing out loud multiple times.  Just Google "A Sorority Girl Lashes Out At Her Sisters."

(Deadspin)

(Here's the email.  WARNING:  Extremely strong language.)

51-year-old Maria Carreiro of Toronto thought she had won $40,000 in last week's Lotto Max drawing, but she got the number wrong.

Her real winnings had a few extra zeros and a comma tacked on to the end.

"When I went to the machine I just see 40 because I'd never won this amount of money," she told reporters attending her lottery check presentation ceremony. "I told [the clerk] can you check this for me please? He checks it. He doesn't even know himself and he's the store owner. I said ‘Never mind, I'll go home.'"

And go home she did.

"I went home and I told my daughter, ‘Oh I won $40,000,'" Carreiro recalled. "She's jumping off the bed too and then she calls her [sister] and says, 'Mommy won $40,000.'"

Just to be on the safe side — perhaps knowing that her mom wasn't the best with large figures — Carreiro's daughter decided to check the ticket one more time.

"She went on the computer and she checked the computer and she goes ‘Mommy, You're $40-million richer,'" Carreiro said.

After one last run to the store to verify, Carreiro called up her husband who soon thereafter quit both of his jobs.

Carreiro says she plans to distribute the cash among her three children and five grandchildren — right about she goes on a long-overdue honeymoon to Hawaii.

 For a few minutes earlier this week, this HAD to be the most dangerous car in the world. 

On Tuesday, cops in Mobile, Alabama pulled over 19-year-old Dandre Moore of Philadelphia, Mississippi for DOUBLE TEXTING.  What's double texting?  It's sending texts on TWO PHONES with both hands simultaneously.

So Moore was driving with both hands on phones, and steering with his knees.  He also had four other passengers in the car . . . one of whom was a three-year-old.

And when cops searched the car, they also found DRUGS inside, including marijuana, Xanax, and oxycodone.

Moore was arrested on several drug charges. 

(Mobile Press-Register)